What do you see?

I have Had an interesting couple weeks.

In my posts called “Train Time”, I have written a couple times about the concept of joy and gratitude. This was intermingled with discussions about my sometimes obsessive habit of worrying about things, even though, most of the time, there has been very little to worry about.

Then, about a year and a half ago, something came along that really had me worried. The actual source of this “Something” is irrelevant. For each of us who worry, the source of it will be different, but the results of the worry will be the same or similar.

For a “Worry Wart” like I was, it can become… obsessive, as noted above. It can cause heart palpitations, and the shakes. It can cause mood swings and intolerance, depression and just a general “What’s the point” outlook on life. Although thoughts of suicide are common in situations like this, at least I have never been dragged down that far.

For me, I have learned over the years that there are two basic types of worry:

One that is completely fabricated by the one worrying and not caused by any real stimulus either internal or external.
One that is real, and caused by some inside or outside influencing element or elements.

At 56 years old, I can admit that I have struggled with this for years. Only just recently have I begun to re-thing how I look at things around me, and within me, to help me re-think what really deserves space in my head.

The challenge for me at least has been in telling the difference between the two above categories of worry.

For example:

I might be at work and someone I work with and respect might say something to me that SOUNDS a little off, or might not notice me in passing once. Rather than realize that this person has a life beyond me and that, like everyone else in the office, this person has a lot on their mind, a lot to do, and might not really be thinking about me at all, I sometimes will take another train of thought:

It will become obvious that this person is angry at me, disappointed and discouraged for some reason. I therefore MUST have done something wrong. So… I obsess about what that something is. This causes me to become angry and frustrated about that person, and the whole job. I can then think of a dozen things THAT person has done wrong,

and, I’m only human,

and, who the hell are they anyway!!

By the time I am finished, I have gotten myself fired by the end of the week, unemployed, and losing my house… everything…

All from a look, or a phrase, or a passing comment.

This is just one example; it can come in MANY ways.

If I have a chest pain or my arm hurts, this means I’m going to die soon.

If I make advances at my wife and she says not tonight, means I am fat and ugly and not wanted.

Or my favorite: Something seems to be going wrong in my life, so God must be angry with me, and God is always good and right, so therefore, I must have really screwed up.

It’s a bad bunch of circular logic that is dangerous to get into, and hard to stop once you allow it.

But then sometimes, a blessing comes along that at first, does not seem like a blessing at all. Sometimes it comes along like a real life issue that deserves space in your head -that deserves worry.

Again: what this worry is, is irrelevant really. It could be cancer, or a child being really sick, or as is in my case, a financial issue. The point is: it is different in that it is not made up or created by our own fears, it is real, somehow created by outside forces, or internal forces like your own health.

For me: this was an eye opener. For me, before this time, I look back now and realize that I never really had that much to worry about -even though I spent way too much time doing it. NOW, I tried all the techniques I had learned to control irrational fear and worry… but this was different! This was a real thing. There was nothing irrational about it!

So, I just coped, and did the best I could do. And all along, I had this little ember of fear and dread in my heart that I tried not to allow to grow out of proportion, but I could never really get rid of.

Then, last week, I got this email; the one mentioned in the post on “Train Time PT 6”.

Basically, my “Financial Situation”, that had worried me for over 18 months, had suddenly changed and in an unexpected way. Suddenly, this situation was drastically different, in a very positive way. In this case, what threw me was that, we are dealing with the Federal Government here and the Federal Government usually never does anything that favors the people, usually only it-self.

In that moment, I not only had so much less to worry about, and having a “Worry Wart” mind that had not had to fabricate something in over a year and a half… my mind just went blank. Sort of like a data error in a computer; it just did not compute, and I didn’t know what to do next.

The timing was perfect, because within 24 Hrs. my wife introduced me to that discussion on Joy by Brene Brown, This opened up doors for me that I had not thought about in a long time. This helped me to see that I do not need to sabotage joy. I do not need to look for an excuse to feel bad because after all, it has always been that way anyway, why expect anything different. I was reminded that this negative thinking was wrong, and destructive. This introduced me to tools that helped me to realize that I not only do not need to create bad things to obsess over, but that more importantly, I can have real challenges in my life that really need to be “considered”, and “dealt with”, and process them WITHOUT worry…

Imagine that!

So today, I went to this local grocery store that I like to visit. It’s one of those “Over the top” type places where they have a pianist by the front door and the pastry isle is bigger than most corner convenient stores.

I was putting together lunch at their grill they have. This involves picking out your meat, in my case a burger, and then telling the man how you wanted it cooked. You then go over and select the rest of your lunch from the store: A bun from the bakery for your sandwich, some chips, and something cold from the cooler.

The cooler was filled with all sorts of exotic drinks and I found myself looking at all the wonderful colors the bottles and cans came in.

I went back to the pastry section and was fascinated by the colorful swirls the frosting was in.

When I was waiting for my burger to finish, I watched them making new burgers for other patrons and found the process fascinating.

Somehow, the ordinary seemed extraordinary; the commonplace, seemed exotic.

Sure, I felt impatience sneaking in from time to time, but I was able to step back and process it and re-think my perspective; I was able to decide if I was going to give it space or not. And, every now and then, I can still feel some reason for fear creeping in, but from my new perspective, I can step back once again, and really look at it and decide if it has a place or not.

I have also been actively trying the whole “Being Grateful” thing. In many casesI found the process quite satisfying.

The other night, I was saying prayers before bed (Yes, I pray every night), and I just looked at my little bed, sitting there in my little, half-finished house and I said:

“I am grateful Lord for this bed I have to sleep in”

…And I actually giggled!

No… I may not be a Jedi Yet! But I have at least found a few more pieces for this light saber I have been trying to build. What’s more: I can finally look at the pieces I have and rather than seeing the need to find more missing pieces, I can now also see how to build it with what I have, knowing that if I do, it will be perfect; as perfect as any Chicago based Jedi can ever wield.