Because I Must…
This is one of those blog posts that I must admit I am writing specifically just for me. If you’re one of my six or seven followers you will notice by the dates that it’s been a while since I’ve actually written anything here. As usual, at least in my mind, the reason for and the solution to this is always a bit more difficult to resolve; and yet I fear in reality, it’s not difficult at all.
So if you are one of my six or seven followers, then please feel free to skim through this piece, reading it lightly looking for the comedic bits that might make you giggle, and then move on to some other blog or some older article that might have a bit more substance.
The root purpose for this piece is captured and expressed very well in the title, and is my first stab at resolving the “writers block” that I mentioned above.
I have gotten a little smarter in my “old age” in that I have done two things over the last year. I have invested in a newer and more exciting version of the program Dragon NaturallySpeaking, and I have installed it both on my personal computer at home and my personal laptop from the office. I honestly don’t believe that the software license police are going to come and arrest me because most software vendors allow you to do that: to install it on a stationary computer and a mobile computer so that you have the program with you at all times, and can never really use them at the same time.
But beyond that, as the title in the opening paragraph should make fairly clear, I have done very little more than that.
But I have never forgotten one of the age of old rules that all writers, of any caliber, of any quality, of any amount of fame must always, always remember. And that is: that the one and only one secret to becoming a satisfied, happy, well fulfilled and possibly someday to some degree famous writer, is to simply write.
Take a look at the history of writing for gosh darn sakes.
Think of how many world famous books have been written by authors back in the day when the only thing they had was paper and something to write with; or even as far back as parchment and a quill. Think of how many brilliant stories have been written by authors spending hours and hours, and possibly years and years banging away with an old-fashioned typewriter. Banging away, and cursing at every little mistake and bobble their exhausted and calloused fingers made.
Even think of more modern times when a certain author, if the stories are true, sat in a diner with a yellow lined pad of paper and pencil and began scribbling down her ideas and her thoughts for some silly little book called Harry Potter, doing so only because that’s all she could afford.
Now look where she’s ended up.
And then there’s people like me. I sit here in front of a touchscreen, high-end laptop computer with the best components made by one of the best companies in the world. I have the latest version of the most advanced and most capable software that allows me to almost magically assemble words in any fashion that I choose whether by finger or by some kind of a stylus interacting directly with the screen. And then to add insult to injury, believe it or not I am sitting here -not touching anything, but using this wonderful program called Dragon NaturallySpeaking, which automatically and I might add quite amazingly writes down everything I say.
I don’t even have to know how to type.
And yet, still I sit here: “whine, whine, whimper and moan”, writing is so hard!
I think it’s time that I face the truth of this one specific, and I believe crucial, issue:
Writing for me is not difficult. What’s difficult is all the demons, and gremlins, and all those other creepy crawlies that don’t really even exist, that crawl around in my brain, my psyche, the pit in my stomach when I’m having a bad day, that all tell me in one way or the other the same thing:
What’s the point?
- You’re not good enough.
- You never finish anything anyway.
- You don’t have time.
- I’m 60! It’s too late for that now.
To this I say plain and simple:
Bull Shit!
(See, I told you I was writing this just for me. Obviously, as I’m even talking to myself. Let’s make this point number five: I’m obviously nuts and incapable of clear and concise thought!)
I need to remind myself of a couple of interesting points that I thought about in the back of my mind many times, but never really spelled out like I’m trying to do now.
I use this little program called SteamPowered. This is an ingenious little app that runs on Mac computers, cell phones, and PCs. This is the replacement for the time way back when you used to go to brick-and-mortar stores and walked down endless piles of boxes to purchase your favorite computer games where you would then take some times multiple discs and install those games so that you could play for hours on end your favorite adventures. SteamPowered is that exact same thing except entirely digital. All the major vendors and developers of game software work through SteamPowered to market and sell their games. Small, struggling game developers use this platform to promote their games in an effort to get a leg up in the industry. In addition to all of the above, a user’s login automatically tracks all of their games, updates those games automatically, synchronizes saved games with other devices that they are using, and allows them to connect with, communicate with, and play with other players around the world.
One of the most “annoying” thing that this little program does is it keeps track of how many hours you spend playing each game.
Stay with me now! I’m getting to the point where this will finally make sense!
There are some games in my collection that I have logged several hundred hours in. I’m not going to mention any names here but two or three of my favorite games I have logged well over 300 or 400 hours.
Granted, I enjoy playing these games. It helps me to relax, unwind, delve myself into an imaginary world where I have unlimited powers using amazing tools to destroy evil and diabolical enemies all through the galaxy!
In short: it allows me to escape my real world, and soar through the sky in an imaginary world where anything and everything is possible. If something goes wrong: if I make a mistake or screw it all up, all I have to do is reset and start again.
So…
Is this a game for fun, or a sad way of trying to escape a life that in many ways – sometimes – seems less then what it could be.
And what’s even sadder is the realization that my life and reality is amazing!
No really!
I’m not trying to backpedal, or cover up for a stupid line that I shouldn’t have written. Hell in these modern times that’s what backspace is for.
I’m saying this, and writing it this way to make two or three very important and very critical points!
Number one
Sometimes, when life gets difficult (whatever that means) it is all too often, all too easy to look at life as a big stinking pile of turdlets! What it comes down to is our perception of ourselves, our world, and our circumstances, which too often does not reflect the reality of ourselves, our world, or our circumstances.
Think of it this way: even if your life was, figuratively, swirling slowly down the proverbial toilet…
Which would be more appropriate, helpful, and uplifting.
Swirling down that toilet, whining and moaning and complaining all the while, wishing that your life was different or better and that you were anyone other than yourself.
Or.
Keeping your chin up, being grateful for everything that you are and everything that you’ve had, while keeping the faith that there is a yet still more glorious wonders to experience. And, on top of all that, this swirling cesspool is not really a bad thing; it is in fact an opportunity to learn and to grow.
Yeah I know. The second option sounds like so much of that B. S. That we mentioned above. But the truth is, it’s true.
Let’s look at that swirling toilet a different way. Let’s assume for a moment that somehow your life has brought you to the point where you are, seemingly and effectively, swirling down that toilet. Now granted, I’m not talking about something so severe here that you are facing imminent death; just something that is taking you to a place in your life where you really really don’t want to be.
If you really are swirling down that toilet, how is bitching and moaning about it going to make it any better?
Number two
Number two, I believe, should be a fairly simple and quick point.
In this vast world of millions of people going millions of directions doing millions of things all of us at the same time; each of us making decisions, interacting with others, affecting others: in this vast world of all these people, there are bound to be some people that are really not having a very good time. But beyond this caveat, is the fact that at least for me, 99.9% of the time, my reality, my world, my life, my family, and my ability to live, love, and be, is never ever anywhere near as bad as I believe it to be. In fact it is usually always, pretty damn amazing!
Number three
And this one is a bit more specific, and gets to the original point of me being a “world-famous author”.
If you take a look at the hours I spend playing games, and look at one of the main reasons why I enjoy playing games, that being to escape into another world of fun and fantasy, it becomes very easy to see that if I were to focus, even a fraction of that time into writing, I would be in effect albeit in a completely different way, doing the exact same thing as I am when I’m playing a game.
I am:
- Immersing myself in a world of fantasy, this
time one that I am creating myself. - Proving to myself that I am in fact in control.
I am in control because I am creating this world from my own imagination, not
living through something in a digital realm that someone else created, allowing
me to drive or fly or walk through a predetermined path. - And, proving to myself that I can in fact write.
Over the past couple years, there’s been a handful of things that have happened that has caused me the paradox of this challenge. It is caused me to realize on the downside how much of my life is behind me and how much of it is still left ahead. The paradox to this is that I also come to realize from these challenges that I am still alive, I am still healthy and strong, and no matter how or when my life ends, God help me, it’s not going to end today.
It probably won’t end tomorrow.
And if I have anything to say about it, it’s not going to end for quite some time.
As I have gotten older, my body is changed, my mind sometimes forgets what I’m doing (which I’ve been doing most of my life by the way) and I have had the experience of some new and exciting health concerns that mentally and emotionally can be kind of challenging.
Watching my father and my brother suffer with heart conditions that required multiple bypass surgery for both of them, caused me to take a look at my own heart to make sure that I wasn’t anywhere near that point in my life. My brother made it through and is doing well and strong; my father, due to complications did not.
Megan: a wonderful vibrant 31-year-old gal that lived with us many years that I called one of my “girls”, in the best possible way, was also considered one of my adopted daughters. While she was living with us we helped her the best we could through the worst times with her struggles with cancer until she finally passed away at 31.
And just last week, after a roller coaster of struggling, doing so much better, and then drifting down again, my mother-in-law passed here in her home as she wished to, after a long and I believe happy and fulfilling life.
In my mind, struggling seemingly constantly to keep a positive attitude, to believe, and to strive forward one step after another, all this death, I must admit, has been a little hard to swallow.
To be fair, I don’t blame God as I believe that they are in a better place – whether they believed in life that they would end up there or not. Somehow in the grand scheme of this thing called life, this is how the game is played:
- You are born.
- You live a life, one that you have more control
over than most people ever realize. - Some time, unfortunately when you least expect
it, it ends!
I may not have 60 more years like the ones that are now behind me; but those 60 years have been amazing, brilliant and wonderfully fulfilling years. And however many years I may have left: I can right now choose to make those years that are left even better, even more fulfilling and more wonderful than anything I have ever experienced.
I could go on and on at this point (because, I’m on a roll now and it only took 1 ½ hours).
Let me just conclude this by saying the following:
Thank you for listening to me as I ramble on putting down on digital paper the right combination of words hopefully well-crafted to the point where I begin to feel like I have more control.
Thank you for giving me the option, hopefully, to show that if any of this has ever come into your life, you are not alone. There are other people that think this way, and struggle, floundering under the waves and rising to the surface victorious in the end.
Whatever you do in your life, give it all that you’ve got. Don’t compromise. Don’t sell yourself short (the world around you is trying too hard to sell you short without you helping it). Remember that fear is just another feeling; doubt is just a thought. You don’t have to dwell on these feelings and thoughts, you don’t have to believe them.
You have to exercise positivity just like you have to exercise every muscle in your body and every brain cell in your head.
And none of us know when the Grim Reaper is going to come knocking. So until he does, don’t waste your life looking around corners to see if he’s there!
